Missing Baby Girl

My mama has had Blakelyn for 3 days now and I am missing her so much. She is only 4 months old but I know mama is loving every minute that she has with her. I wake up at night just wanting to hold her and kiss her but I know she will be in my arms soon. I'm like man what did I do before I had her, it's crazy how much your life changes when you have a kid. It's definitely a love I have never experienced, now I get all those times when mama would say you will understand when you have kids. To this day my mother still worries about me, sometimes it's annoying but then I know she just loves me so much.

We finally had the cedar trim installed at the base boards and windows. Crazy how much you appreciate something that you didn't have for a long time. The guys did an awesome job and I'm just glad that our house is coming together. Now it's time to look at some blinds or maybe some DIY projects for the windows. I haven't posted any new projects in awhile, I'm thinking about making a head board for our bedroom. I'm ready to get crafty!

This weekend I'm going to the New Kids on the Block concert in Oklahoma City. I remember when I was 12 years old and to see them in concert would have been amazing, but I knew there was no way I could ever go to a concert like that. I wish I could go back in time and tell my 12 year old self  "don't worry you will see them 23 years". I'm really looking forward to hanging out with the Amarillo girls and having a relaxing weekend. Well I say relaxing, I'm going to be screaming like a 12 year old girl come Saturday night.

Blakelyn at 4 months old

June 6th 2013

Storms came rolling in last night about 2am, I'm thinking please Lord do not let this thunder wake the baby. Nope she decided to wake up an hour half later, we played the game of putting the passy back in the mouth about 15 times before she finally fell back asleep. She is doing great these days, she is starting to smile so much more. We talk back and forth, well we just make noises at each other but I consider it baby talk! Last night I met up with my friend Jenn M for some Mexican dinner. Her and I were talking and then I look over at B and she just staring at me, and then I notice she has poo all over the outside of her diaper. (oh great) So I take her to my car and clean her up, open up a new package of wipes, yep they all dried up. (thank goodness I had a bottle of water to soak them) I'm sweating profusely because it's 90 something degrees. I do my best to clean her up and then go back inside. Awe the joys of motherhood, I just wish there was a simpler way of changing a baby or owning a non-leak diaper. I've tried all brands of diapers and they all fail the poo explosion.

So today I had to run to Walmart to get a few things, well I never have to get a few things it's always a buggy full. And then when I get home I get mad at myself for all the groceries we haven't even ate yet. Anyway while I was in Walmart two things went down that I happen to experience. In the canned fruit isle an elderly couple was having an argument and then they started cussing at each other. I'm thinking oh my goodness they are doing this right in front of me and have no care in the world who is around them. She was mad at him for not picking out groceries and he could care less what she was picking out. I just ignored them and went about my business. Then while I was in line to check out this obviously gay couple was in the next isle over being checked out. Well he was on his cell phone cussing up a storm to the other person he was talking to. I looked around to see if anyone was bothered by this guys rant, but nobody seemed to care. I so wanted to speak my mind and say hey are you kidding me your talking so loud and it's rude, but nope I stayed quite. I guess some people just have no couth. It's always an experience going to Walmart, someday I would like to go & just peole watch kinda like you do at the airport. Maybe one day!

What was I thinking

It's been a crazy busy week so far, the new sitter started on Monday. She is my friend Jenn K daughter, she was needing a summer job so I thought she would be a perfect fit to watch B for me. Work is picking up because it's summer time and this is my busy time of year! Busy is good, but I wish life would slow down just a tad, I mean Blakelyn is fixing to be 4 months old. I can't believe how fast time is flying by.

Last weekend Courtney and I ran in 5k mud run in Cedar Hill. We decided to go stay the night with my friend Kelly P, we went out to the Oasis bar & grill Saturday night that over looked Joe Pool Lake, it was gorgeous. I have no clue what I was thinking drinking the night before a race but I did, but only a few. It was good visiting with Kelly, I wish she lived closer so I could see her & Zoey more often. I love hearing Kelly tell stories about Zoey and all the new stuff she is getting into.

So Sunday was the big 5k mud run and I'm thinking oh yay you can do this it won't be that bad. Well needless to say it was that bad! So the race started at 8am, we started up a hill, yay that's never a good sign. Anyway our first obstacle was a rope wall we had to climb oh that was about 20 feet in the air, I'm not kidding I could have fell & died. So my arms & legs are starting to feel like jello and then I'm getting mad at myself for thinking I could do this. So I press on, I walk and I run I walk and I run, I tell Courtney "just leave you don't have to stay with me". So she runs a little ahead of me and then waits for me and the next obstacle station, I felt like I was training to go into the Army or something. The obstacles ranged from caring sand, climbing things to crawling on your hands and knees in a mud hole. So I knew I was getting close to the end when I saw the 2 mile marker ok self "you only have 1.2 miles to go." So the last obstacle was definitely the hardest, so I'm on my hands and knees crawling through a mud hole that looks like chocolate syrup. I thought your almost done yay me, but then I noticed that I'm feeling a little ill while I was crawling. Well I can't stop because the people behind me will trample me and I can't just lay there because I will be sunk in the mud. So I finish the run and go grab my water & I see Courtney and I tell her "I think I'm fixing to be sick." She says "come over here", I take two steps and yak! Well it was only water I threw up but still I thought I was going to faint. Courtney was being such a good sister, she even went to get me another water. I could have cared less if people were staring at me or not, I just needed to sit down and take it easy. So I doubt I'm going to do another mud run or any 5k run unless I'm very well prepared. This week I've been really good at working out, so the next time I decide I want to do a 5k run I will be in better shape.

While I was gone Sunday Chad had B, he text me a picture of her. I thought it was so adorable, he has been out of town working during the week so on the weekends he wants to spend as much time with her as he can. I think it's pretty awesome that he takes her down to his shop, so he can piddle and do his manly things and also watch her at the same time.

Oh and I have some awesome news I'm going to be in my friend Jenn M wedding in November. I'm super excited about it and I can't wait, this will be the 2nd wedding I will be in. My friend Jennifer is an amazing women who has a giving spirit and is one of the coolest chicks I've ever met. She has been through the worst heartache anyone could ever imagine and has overcame with even greater love. God truly had a plan for the two of them & I know they are soul mates. Just being around them you can feel there energy for one another. I'm so happy for them & I can't wait to be apart of there special day.

Memorial Weekend 2013

Well my weekend started off with a bang. My sister talked me into running a 5K run in Fort Worth, needless to say I about died several times. I didn't train for it and it's my own fault. I told Courtney to go on with out me but the good sister she is stayed with me. One mile into the race I was breathing heavy and she said "your not breathing right, you need to get your breathing down". I'm sorry I'm an out of shape tella-tubby who just had a baby 3-1/2 months ago, so I decided to walk!

People keep saying I will lose this baby weight eventually, well to be honest I should have lost it by now. I've just been to lazy lately to do something about it. Well I've decided to finally get into shape because I'm tired of Courtney looking better than me! And that's my motivation! I just signed Courtney and I up to run a mud run this next weekend. So I am going to die again but I know it will be worth it!

Yesterday we had a bar-b-q at the house, we had a few friends over and it was good to sit & visit. Well I went to Walmart to get a few things before the bar-b-q started and while I was in line I was talking to the young girl, she was being trained by another cashier. Anyway I asked "do you always have to wear dark blue tops"? And they said "yes, and we have to wear khaki pants. If we want to wear jeans we have to pay $2 to wear them". I was like WHAT! That is crazy that you have to pay this bazillion dollar company to wear jeans. I don't know why this upset me so much but it did. Let's be honest jeans look way better on people than a pair of khaki pants. This has no relevance to my weekend but I thought I would share with you the torture of these Walmart employees, ok mabye not torture but that's just ludicrous to pay to wear jeans! just sayin

Blakelyn wasn't feeling to good yesterday, it's my own fault I switched up her formula. I think she was a little constipated. She is feeling much better today thank goodness. She is smiling so much and she has a couple little dipples that are so kissable!

Sunday I peeked outside and noticed Chad singing a country song to B, it just melted my heart because he is such a good dad and loves her so much. I know when she gets older she is going to be his little side kick. He is going to teach her so much and she most likely will have some sort of skill by the time she is 3 years old. I feel truly blessed that Chad is a good dad and I'm thankful for him everyday!

Amarillo

Last weekend in Amarillo was Homers Backyard Ball concert.  I’ve heard so many fun stories about it so I was excited to be going for the first time.  My mother also drove with us so she could watch B while we went to the concert.  I was over the moon to finally have the Amarillo girls meet Blakelyn. Friday night we decided to have a bar-b-q at Jose & Kelly’s house, it was good to visit and catch up. It just melted my heart that they loved Blakelyn!

Saturday was the Homer’s Backyard Ball concert and you would have thought it was the dust bowl from the 30’s, I guess that’s the Texas Panhandle for ya! We sat there drinking our dirty beer (literally), trying to have a good time. As evening came the wind finally calmed down & we were ready to get up & walk around. My friend Rachel’s husband had brought a horse mask, well Rachel decided to get into the wagon and wear it while Aaron pushed her around. Everyone thought it was hysterical and I loved hearing all the comments people were making.  Later that night I remember playing this repeating game about a frog and a pond. When it came around to my turn I know I messed up several times. I don’t think drinking and repeating a sentence go hand in hand! But I know we will try it again!

When Chad & I got back to the hotel we had to take a shower & get the dirty dirt off of us. I thought I would save water if I just got in the shower with him. Well bad mistake, I wanted under the water and when I tried to go beside Chad he had slipped and fell out of the shower taking the whole shower curtain with him. I was laughing so hard, because when people fall I laugh (don’t judge). He got back in the shower very quickly and I’m still laughing & then he says that I pushed him out. So I laughed even harder! I said “I didn’t push you out” I think he was just trying to say that I pushed him so it wouldn’t look like he just slipped and fell out. After I stopped laughing I asked him if he was ok because I did feel bad, he said his head hurt a little. So note to self: never take a shower with your husband when you’ve had a few beers someone could fall & bumb there head and take the shower curtain with them..

It’s always a blast with the girls and every time we get together my face is usually hurting the next day from laughing so hard or my head hurts from partying to hard. It usually takes my body about a week to recover after visiting them, but I wouldn’t change a thing! Some of the things we talk about are just crazy & off the wall but each one has a personality that I love! My favorite vacations have always been with the Amarillo girls, here is just a few of the places we have been together & I’m sure there are many more trips in our future! Wolfe Creek Colorado - skiing, Taos - skiing, Red River - white water rafting, Vegas, Floating the Guadalupe River, Clovis NM - visit Mandy, Oklahoma City next month to see NKOTB ( don’t judge us) and many times just getting together in Amarillo to see one another.  

I wish everyone could have friends like the ones I have. I don’t think I tell them enough how much they mean to me, but I truly care about them and I’m so grateful they are in my life. Love you all!



Expired

When is the last time you looked at the dates on your spices? Well about a month ago my Banana's Foster Smoothie called for cinnamon. Anyway the cinnamon expired in 2004, wow I couldn't believe I had a spice from that long ago. So I looked at all my other spices, yep the same. I had outdated spices from years ago. I cleaned out that entire cabinet to where there was maybe salt & pepper left. By the way I ended up using that 2004 expired cinnamon, I googled expired cinnamon and google said it was ok just going to be stale that's all.

Then just yesterday I was going through my pantry, I was craving a tuna fish sandwich. Yep I looked at the date and is was expired since 2010. What is wrong with me maybe I'm a food hoarder and I need to start eating what's in my pantry instead of buying more and more crap. So anyone who is reading this blog look at your spices or can food before you eat it. Or you can be like me and still eat the spices because google said it was ok.

Just sayin

Last night was such a special moment with Blakelyn, after her 7pm feeding I sat her in the bobby. Her little head is still wobbly so I was helping her from falling over. She is just staring and smiling at me making noises. Ok so it sounds like gurgling noises but then I started gurgling and she was repeating me, I know she is only 3 months old but I'm gonna believe she was repeating after me. I started to get teary eyed because she was so cute and I felt like for the first time she was really paying attention to me. Love those special moments.

What a gorgeous week it has been so far, today I went to Fort Worth checked on one of my jobs and then decided I need to go get my nails filled by Windy. Windy is by far the best in town & she is two months pregnant. (it's a boy). I haven't been to everyone in town I'm just assuming she is the best because she does an awesome job on my nails & she takes her time. I think that's major points in my book. Anyway I'm sitting there near the front getting my nails done when a young lady walks in the door. One of the nail lady's goes to help her. She quietly asks about pricing & the different options on how to do your nails. Example: white tips, solar, gel nails etc. etc.. So then I hear her say "if my husband doesn't like it then I can't get my nails done again". I'm thinking what did she just say? Oh heck no, my husband doesn't have an opinion on how I get my nails done or the color I pick out. I'm thinking who is she married to, and why does he care so much about her nails. So she sits down beside me and oh my goodness I wanted to ask her so bad why her husband has an opinion about her nails, but no I kept my trap shut. It's not my business.

I am thankful to have a husband who knows to keep those kind of opinions to himself. And when I ask him if I look fat he looks at me and says " you are the hottest chick in the world". Now I know he's lying because he has to say that, I mean he's married to this crazy lady and you don't want to see me flip out. It's great to give your opinion sometimes but not when it comes to a women's hair or nails. I'M JUST SAYIN!

Look at the pic below, Chad watched B today while I went and ran errands. Now that's ratchet strap safety!  Oh & he killed two snakes.

Oh Baby

Saturday I ran to town because I needed to get some new capris, I haven’t lost all this baby weight yet and I can’t fit into my old jeans. While I was in Cato, I found a cute outfit and decided to go try it on. In the dressing room I have the whole outfit on and then all of the sudden Blakelyn just starts freaking out crying. I was like oh no so I got her out of the car seat and tried to console her it wasn’t working. I thought about taking her outside of course I’m in there clothes and I don’t want them to think I’m stealing. After about ten minutes in the dressing room with no sign that she going to stop whaling I decide to get out of there quickly. Thank goodness the outfit I had tried on was perfect. I paid and hurried out of the store, once outside she stopped crying and everything was fine. Crazy how two seconds ago she was freaking out and then you take her outside it’s like nothing ever happened. I guess she’s going to be an outdoors kind of gal. 

Later that evening Chad and I sat outside, I watched him grill out while B laid sound asleep in her car seat. At my baby shower I had received this bug net that goes over the car seat, that thing came in handy. I didn’t have to worry if anything was getting on her.

Sunday was Mother’s Day, went to church and then came home and relaxed with Chad & Blakelyn. It was a gorgeous day outside and it was so nice to receive all the nice text messages from family & friends wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day. Being a mother is by far the best job I could ever have and I truly feel blessed to be her mama.

Some People

Chad will be home today, thank goodness. I miss him when he's gone and I know he misses us. Yesterday was a pretty good day. Ate lunch with Jenn K and then went to Sams, I don't know what we were thinking about meeting up on a rainy day and having a baby out. Oh well I love good company and enjoyed the adult time I got to spend with her.

While I was at Sams a grumpy old man was behind me in line. I told him it would take a minute because I had all these check coupons for enfamil you get in the mail & by gosh I was using them. When your paying $43.00 for a box of formula ummm yes I will be using coupons thank you very much. The old man waited another two minutes and then asked the young lady "how many more of those do you have". Which she replied "3 more". He huffed and through his items back into the buggy, I was thinking wow it's a slow day in Sams and the lines are not even busy. The check out girl Emily said "I wish I could throw something into my basket". Emily was a very sweet girl, it's nice to know she wasn't irritated with my 10 check coupon use that took about 2 minutes each to process. We talked about rude people and said that is just something we are going to have to deal with for the rest of our lives. So while I was walking out of Sams I noticed he was right in front of me. So he showed his receipt to the lady at the door and then started to complain about the lady with the coupons which she replied "we don't accept coupons". I said "excuse me ma'am he is talking about me, I have some check coupons I used for my baby formula". Which she said "oh yay that's fine". I said "he's just a grumpy old man". Now I don't disrespect my elders but I sure wanted to give him my two cents. I kept my mouth shut because I knew better but the nerve of some people. I would totally understand him being upset if it was a busy day and the lines were long but c-mon it was a rainy day and hardly anyone was in Sams. And yes I will do it again and again if I know I'm going to save some money.

So Sweet

Why is it that you can be so mesmerized by just staring at a baby, I love the way Blakelyn holds her little hands under her chin when I’m feeding her. I love her smiles and the way her little mouth opens so wide showing her little gums. I think I’ve already given her a thousand kisses on the head & feet and I’m sure I’m going to give her a million more.  I’m still amazed that Chad and I created such a beautiful little girl; I think God had a special plan when he created Blakelyn for us. We thought his plan for us was to adopt a child, but then just when you think you have it figured out he leads you into a different path.

I wish that I could bottle up her scent so I could smell it every day.  I pray that God slows down time because I already see her little body growing so fast and her little face changing.

Don’t you remember being a kid and everything seemed slower. It seemed like it was going to be an eternity before I would be able to drive or even graduate.  I told Chad last week “is it just me or are the week’s flying by”, it’s like we blinked and it just came & went.  Everyone keeps telling me to enjoy every day because it goes by so fast.  And believe me I am enjoying EVERY DAY!

Pedi & Tacos

Yesterday was a pretty good day, well except for the fact that I had to be at the office for a 9am meeting but then the rest of the day was good. Picked up B from the sitter's house, then went over to my friend Jenn K's house, we visited and she held baby girl just ooing & aweing over her. Left there and met my friend Jenn M for a quick pedi, for some reason she keeps getting a crappy pedicure at one of my favorite places in town. I always use Windy and nobody else, Windy is my girl she's the best! I have no idea why I get wonderful service and she keeps getting crappy pedicures, they are way to quick and are done with her in no time. While my girl is just taking her time and doing her job the right way. I think $20 is enough for a good pedi, I mean c-mon she didn't ask for the exfoliated scrub down or anything but it just seems business people always want more money for something so small to do. So basically Jenn M soaked her feet in the water, barely got a clipping of the toe nails and then a paint job, ummm I guess that's what a $20 pedi is these days.  Sorry I went off on a little vent about that, but sheesh... Love my two Jennifer's and wouldn't trade them for the world!

After the pedicure I went to the new gas station they opened up to pick up Courtney & I some tacos to eat for dinner. Courtney was coming to stay the night with me because she hasn't got to spend any time with Blakelyn lately and it was driving her crazy. Anyway so I'm the gas station waiting for my tacos to be ready and one of the Hispanic ladies comes around the corner and she totally starts freaking out about the car seat and wanted to see baby girl. Now mind you the car seat is just sitting on the ground and I'm just standing there waiting for my food, the young lady just picks up the car seat and starts walking with B to behind the counter to show the other girls the baby. I probably would have cared about her grabbing the car seat but seriously where is she gonna go, and plus I know I would tackle anyone who tried to harm my child. OH MY GOODNESS, you would have thought these women had never seen a baby before. They were totally freaking out over her, well and of course I was loving it! They were all talking Spanish to her so of course I couldn't understand them but I just loved the fact they were just so smitten with her. Anyway they help me with the tacos and the food, well let me clarify I carried the tacos and the food they carried the car seat to the car.

Got to the house and Courtney got B out of the car and we ate are tacos talking about our day & I told her about the girls at the gas station. She was like wow, I said I will be going there at least twice a week now to get tacos just so they can oohhh and awe over my baby girl. Crazy yes I am!

May 6th 2013

Well last night started off so peaceful until at 2am this morning there was a little girl named Blakelyn having a party in her bassinet. So I tried the whole put the passy back in the mouth routine which obviously didn't work because she was still kicking those legs like she was running a marathon. So I got up made a bottle fed her & then put her back down thinking she would be milk wasted and pass out. Nope I was wrong she still kicked those feet & made baby noises (by the way I love those sounds) and just played in her bassinet. Finally 3am came around and she was out, Thank you Lord now I can sleep for 3 more hours until I have to get up. She was doing so good sleeping throughout the whole night, I guess I've been bragging to much about her so she decided to pull a fast one on me. Love it though & wouldn't have it any other way!

Today I picked B up at the sitter's around 1pm, I'm one of those mama's who is constantly thinking about there child and wishing I could be with her but I also want to have a life and get out in the world. Anyway I picked her up & the sitter said that she could no longer watch her because she wanted to come & go as she pleased. I totally understood and was like no big deal I can find someone soon to watch her, thank goodness its almost summer because I'm going to try & recruit my girlfriends daughter Lauren to come & watch her for the summer break. Plus her mama said she has been telling her to get a job for the past year. I've been working since I was 14 or 15 can't remember but I've always had a job. My first job was a paper route, ahhhh those were the good ole days. Throw on your roller blades and start chucking some papers. The crappy thing about that first job was you had to role each & every newspaper but they were small but I still complained. I've also baby sat my fair share of little kids and I think that's maybe one of the reason I waited so long in life to have children, well and of course find the right guy to marry. One of the other great jobs I had in highschool was working at a grocery store. Now those were some good times, I would get out of school around noon my junior & senior year to go to work. I loved having my own money and knowing I worked hard for it. Looking back though I wish I would have participated a little more in school and stopped thinking about what we were going to do when the weekend was here. My friend Kelly worked at the store she had a car & we were always cruising up & down the drag, ok if you don't know what a drag is well let me explain. There was a particular route that we drove up & down every weekend to see who was out & what was going on. This was before cell phones, well people had cell phones but only the richy rich could afford a bag phone in there car. C-mon it was the 90's...

May 5th 2013

Today my baby girl Blakelyn is 11 weeks old, I like to call her B or baby girl stupid I know, but that's just my thing. I decided to start a blog to document what's going on her life as well as mine because one day I want her to look back and read all the random idiotic things mama did. My inspiration comes from a book my friend Mandy referred me to called "Sparkly Green Earrings" by Malanie Shankle. So I bought the book the kindle version of course and started reading. I felt like this girl was describing me, she is a mother who started a blog because she doesn't scrap book (who has time for that) but she wanted to document what's going on in her daughters life. So I thought why don't you start a blog so your baby girl will know all your crazy stories and she can read all about her life when she was a little girl. Now I am here to state that I am no writer and don't claim to be one, I can't put sentences together and I miss spell words all the time. So don't judge me if my writing seems all over the map, there is so much going on with my life that I feel I need to write it down.

Today was a good day Chad woke up at 3am and drove to Missouri and then I woke up about 7am fed baby girl and then we both went back to sleep about 9. I contemplated on do I really want to get up and get ready for church, yes self get up you haven't been in 3 weeks. Anyway after church we came home I fed her and then she passed out while I cleaned. What I wished I was doing was walking at the park on this beautiful day, but she was resting so peaceful I just couldn't wake her up.

The old Ryan would have been probably hung over on this Sunday from a previous evening's of having a little to much fun. Selfish Ryan went out the door when I peed on that little stick and bam prego! Stopped smoking & drinking and thought ok I have this little creature growing in me I've got to behave from now on. I spoke to Courtney today and yes she was hung over & even got sick last night, idiot! I really don't know why I'm calling her an idiot I would have been right beside her having fun. I pray for her all the time to get pregnant, she is gonna be such a good mama and I know she won't be out acting like a fool & drinking to much. It's crazy how this little human being can change your whole life, and it is true the instant love I felt the moment she was born. I'm one of those naive people who thinks it's going to take me just a little bit of time to fall in love with this person I mean nobody falls in love that quick.. Nope it's true instant & total love, like the kind where you would cut someone into a million piece's if they ever messed with her kind of love.

Well like I said earlier she is 11 weeks old today and growing longer and longer every day it seems. I just stare at her sometimes and think she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and sometimes I get teary eyed just staring at her. I think sometimes I can be an emotional person, but i try to be so tough all the time I don't want anyone to really think I'm just a big puss. I cried in the second chapter of reading "Sparkly Green Earrings". When she found out she was pregnant and then went to the doctor and then went back a week later and she had miscarried I couldn't imagine having to go through something like that. I'm so blessed to have never gone through that and so thankful that my baby girl is healthy in every way. I'm looking forward to the days when she is going to wrap those little arms around me and tell me how much she loves me, I'm not going to look forward to the teen years when I'm sooooo not cool to even hang around with. I'm just glad that's a million years from now. Back to the whole crying thing, is it just me or as you get older you get a lot more sappier?

When I was in my 20's I could have cared less about the news or politics (well honesty I still could care less about politics) but for some reason I do pay attention a little more about what our president does have to say. And I do feel like he is a compasionate president, whether people like him or not.

I'm very fortunate to have a job where I should work full time but I don't because I don't want to get burned out by what I'm doing. And plus I love spending all my free time with baby girl. Well my free time used to be get off about 2 or 3 and then going to hit up the local watering hole for a few. Nope those days are long gone! Well it's off to bed, this old lady has to go to bed early to get my 8 hrs of sleep or I'm cranky. Plus Chad just called from Missouri, him & Neal are probably sitting around a fire drinking a beer awe I'm jealous.